Following local reports of lewd behavior by a man in the downtown area of Milford, uniformed officers staked out the Milford Oval in plain clothes. As described, a caucasian male, approximately six feet in height, wearing only a kilt and unlaced boots, was spotted accosting local women by shouting, “Achtung, Fräuleine! Ich hab’ne Fünf-meter penis!”
Officers observed the man lift his kilt and flash a beige-painted garden hose cinched around his waist. The subject unfurled the false appendage and proceeded to perform what he loudly called, “The Naked Lasso Dance”.
The man attempted to ensnare young women with the flesh-colored appendage, claiming them as his “New sex wife” or “Heifer Baby Factory”. Not all accosted females were willing to press charges.
Officers intervened, approaching cautiously from several directions. As they neared the subject, they described a sinus-drenching odor that knowledge/training/experience told them was either Axe Body Spray or Mustard Gas.
The kilted man greeted the officers by saying, “I’m the well-hung highlander, bitches! Who the hell are you?” When officers verbally identified themselves and showed their badges, the subject yelled, “Jesus!” and fled. His flight abruptly ended when officers stepped on the trailing beige appendage, causing the man to pitch forward, bare-chested, onto the street.
The man issued a diverse array of epithets at the officers, claiming many of them to be closely related to, and also romantically involved with, their mothers’ livestock. One witness, a bouncer working the door of a popular nearby tavern, described what he saw:
“The guy was all road-rashed in front and you could see he’d busted one of his front teeth when he fell, so he had this whistle when he was talking s–t to the cops. He just went on and on like some kind of insult jukebox on free-play. Cops put the boots to him. Whole time, sounded like they were beating a squeaky toy. I’m telling you, man, that ass-whipping was legendary.”
When asked if he thought the beating was a use of excessive force, he replied,
“Aw, hell no. Dude was spry. Head like a bowling ball. That was a righteous Tasering if I ever saw one. And if they didn’t park the prowler on his legs, he would’ve just gotten up again.”
Once subdued, the man was lashed to the fender of Milford’s police cruiser and driven to Milford’s veterinary hospital. Treatment was delayed, however, when the subject refused to identify himself as anything other than “Highlander comma Well-Hung.” All other fields on the admission form, including the check boxes, were filled in, “So suck it.”
Blood toxicology and stomach pump revealed the subject had ingested approximately three and a half liters of tequila. But the heroic doses of peyote in his system prevented his brain from realizing that death was the only appropriate reaction to blood alcohol content above .50.
When the man woke from coma the following morning, he was mumbling incoherently and drooling. Initially, veterinarians believed the man had blotted out all of his knowledge going back to pre-school or earlier. After hours of analysis, they discovered the subject had not suffered irretrievable brain damage, but was saying in guttural croaks, “I’m the Well-Hungover Highlander. Get me aspirin.”
The man was finally identified by dental records and by friends who called the Milford Police Station after seeing the initial news report. Brookline resident, Matt “Mac” Husker, said of his friend, “Yeah, that seems like something Allen would do. What’s his bail this time?”
In a bizarre twist of events, The American Civil Liberties Union has taken special interest in Farnham’s defense. ACLU attorney Marcus Xander-Wilson has accepted the case, citing landmark First Amendment potential. When asked for comment, Mr. Wilson had this to say:
“Mr. Farnham is quite proud of his Creek/Seminole heritage. No matter that he is only one-thirty-second Native American, he was exercising his rights to religion and to free speech at the time Milford Police intervened. Peyote is a key ceremonial component in the Church of Native America, in the same way Christians use wine in Communion or in Commemoration of the Last Supper. And witnesses all agree that Farnham said, ‘Jesus,’ at least once during the event. Therefore, this is clearly a case of police infringement upon the rights and freedoms granted by our Constitution’s First Amendment. Anyone wishing to slap back the chilling hand of government, please contribute generously to Mr. Farnham’s Legal Defense Fund. Thank you.”
Mr. Wilson assured this reporter that the case would be long and obscenely expensive, reaching all the way to the Supreme Court, if necessary. Anyone wishing to contribute to the defense fund may do so here, here, and here.
Original source: The Milford Times and Gun Review:
(Reprinted with permission.)