SuperDeth XLVI

I bet you’re thinking, “Here comes a preachy message about violence.”

Oh, yeah. You know it.


If one were to distill the essence of American culture to a single euphemism, the SuperBowl would capture it nicely. Commerce and vanity hurtling toward one another like cruise missiles and detonating in an ocean of beer. Extremely physical contests of opposing, highly-organized teams with dual purposes of land acquisition and penetration. And violent, skull jarring takedowns.

Oh, yeah. You know it.


Far from a criticism, this spectacle is a genius of societal stability. Like Huxley’s Violent Passion Surrogate, this kind of gnarly, grunting square-off taps the latent animal inside and gives it vicarious expression. It’s an outlet of baser emotions.


Some argue against the harsh, full-contact sports, but let’s think about it: how many riots were started before, during, or after an American Football game?

Ok. Now, let’s consider the less violent, lower contact sports. Baseball, anyone?

Boston Red Sox…


San Francisco Giants…


Philadelphia Phillies


Ok, there are a few riots from Baseball. But every once in a while you get a bench-clearing brawl (though most of those players are screaming, “NOT MY FACE! NOT MY FACE!”). That rare bit of violence could be the sport’s saving grace from inspiring total anarchy.

Soccer, on the other hand…

Some have speculated that the internet is comprised of 60% pornography. If that’s so, then at least 39% is photos and news stories on Soccer riots.


There’s something about soccer that makes people friggin crazy. All over the world. And isn’t it obvious?


I mean, look at them. Don’t these photos make you want to punch your neighbor in the throat? It got popular somehow, in spite of this. And a game this popular can’t afford to be non-contact.

As obvious as the problem is, the solution is equally obvious. Up the violence. Make Soccer the full-contact sport it deserves to be.



Referees need not be spared, and may retaliate as desired.


This match choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping and Jackie Chan.


All we’re missing now is a hard-core soundtrack. The new Soccer: one part athleticism, two parts skill, eight parts mosh pit. Now it’s turned up to Eleven.

You see? I’m just a concerned citizen, doing my part for world peace.

So is that the only solution? Not necessarily. Research is on-going…


Bottoms up.


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